An Atheist Reads the Bible

A godless heathen’s religious experience

Genesis 9

Posted by Urbane Spaceman on January 9, 2008

God’s Covenant With Noah

1 Then God blessed Noah and his sons, saying to them, Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the earth.

A policy echoed by, of course, the catholic church. The more sprogs popped out by his worshippers, the more worshippers there will be, and it will grow exponentially generation by generation. Just as long as the indoctrination process can keep up with the birth rate. Still, I’m sure a few judicious smitings will see to it that the young’uns don’t stray from the path of righteousness.

2 The fear and dread of you will fall upon all the beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air, upon every creature that moves along the ground, and upon all the fish of the sea; they are given into your hands.
3 Everything that lives and moves will be food for you. Just as I gave you the green plants, I now give you everything.

We’re more important than everything else and it’s all there just for us. I think this must be why we have so many religious fundamentalists in charge in the western world – they get to sell off natural resources to the highest bidder … sorry, lobbyist … with impunity, because god put everything there for precisely that reason.

Now I’m off to drill for oil in Alaska, if that’s OK.

4 But you must not eat meat that has its lifeblood still in it.

Don’t eat living things, OK, I reckon we can live with this one.

5 And for your lifeblood I will surely demand an accounting. I will demand an accounting from every animal. And from each man, too, I will demand an accounting for the life of his fellow man.
6 Whoever sheds the blood of man, by man shall his blood be shed; for in the image of God has God made man.

And don’t kill other people, unless they’ve already killed someone, in which case it’s fine. Sounds like a recipe for everybody dead to me as soon as you get the first murder. Somebody kills the murderer, so it’s then alright to kill them, etc. etc. Not sure god really thought that one through.

Then of course there is the fact that he’s already put the first murderer under his own protection with the mark of Cain. How does that fit in with company policy?

7 As for you, be fruitful and increase in number; multiply on the earth and increase upon it.

Just in case you missed that the first time – get out there and produce some more worhippers.

8 Then God said to Noah and to his sons with him:
9 I now establish my covenant with you and with your descendants after you
10 and with every living creature that was with you— the birds, the livestock and all the wild animals, all those that came out of the ark with you— every living creature on earth.
11 I establish my covenant with you: Never again will all life be cut off by the waters of a flood; never again will there be a flood to destroy the earth.
12 And God said, This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come:
13 I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth.
14 Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds,
15 I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life.
16 Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth.
17 So God said to Noah, This is the sign of the covenant I have established between me and all life on the earth.

See, he’s a nice god really. He’s promising not to kill everybody in a massive flood again.

Of course he’s not promising not to kill anybody, just that he’ll use a different method next time.

The Sons of Noah

18 The sons of Noah who came out of the ark were Shem, Ham and Japheth. (Ham was the father of Canaan.)
19 These were the three sons of Noah, and from them came the people who were scattered over the earth.
20 Noah, a man of the soil, proceeded to plant a vineyard.
21 When he drank some of its wine, he became drunk and lay uncovered inside his tent.
22 Ham, the father of Canaan, saw his father’s nakedness and told his two brothers outside.
23 But Shem and Japheth took a garment and laid it across their shoulders; then they walked in backwards and covered their father’s nakedness. Their faces were turned the other way so that they would not see their father’s nakedness.
24 When Noah awoke from his wine and found out what his youngest son had done to him,
25 he said, Cursed be Canaan! The lowest of slaves will he be to his brothers.
26 He also said, Blessed be the LORD, the God of Shem! May Canaan be the slave of Shem.
27 May God extend the territory of Japheth, may Japheth live in the tents of Shem, and may Canaan be his slave.

So one of Noah’s first actions was to start the homebrew and get wasted. Then he gets upset because he’s passed out naked and his son has seen him (though no fault of his own it seems). I can only assume that Noah had a really tiny penis and was extremely embarrassed about having been seen with his tackle out. Condemning an entire race of people to slavery for this would seem to be just a small overreaction though.

28 After the flood Noah lived 350 years.
29 Altogether, Noah lived 950 years, and then he died.

And good riddance, from what I’ve read of him.

On the plus side if this is an example of a devout holy person that was basically the only human god considered worthy of saving then it would seem there is hope for most of the rest of us come judgement day.

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